The last 36 hours

It's been a rough road the last 36 hours.  My son was hoping to change schools and we, as a family, had been working towards a smooth transition and a new start.  But being Tofu-Hearted Mother, these things are always difficult.

Saturday night I had four boys over at my house and I made a huge meal of free-range pork chops, vegies, roasted potatoes and garlic bread - and a chocolate cake to finish.  I bought a few packets of chips and let the boys out on the street (we live in a little village in the hills) to talk and ride around on their long-boards. 

I set up the back room for them with the pull-out couch and mattresses and blankets and I felt a real sense of happiness that I was helping to make my son's life just that little bit easier by doing it.  These were his good friends and all lovely boys who are caring and fun and a little alternative.  One of the boys was a former student of mine and he goes to the school my son is starting at.  The others are from various schools but they all love the same music and have the same ideas about life. 

One of the boys has a gay father and the others are understanding and sensitive to this.  They still rib each other about being 'gay', but they also know it's all just jokes.  They showed interest in attending the next "Rally for Marriage Equality" in August and I said, if their parents were okay with it, I would take them.

On Sunday night, things changed.  My son received a series of harassing face book posts calling him a 'fag' and a 'faggot' and threatening him and commenting on his 'twig-thin' body (which is far from the truth - he's actually quite muscular under that shirt!).  These were received on my daughter's face book page and she was anxious and scared for him because one of the boys commenting was a supposed friend of hers.

We went into his room and he'd been crying silently for an hour and each of us sat with him while he cried and screamed and kicked and punched.  We just held him and tried to comfort him as much as possible.  He said he wanted to die and he was trying hard to hurt himself by physically punching and kicking the metal-frame bed and wall.  It was scary stuff and my daughter (who turned 15 yesterday) was crying, shaking and traumatised.  He accused her of not caring enough to help her - and, of course, this is not true.  But he was lashing out at anyone and anything he could and, as often happens, the ones he loves the best are in the firing-line. 

Eventually, I got him to take half a sedative so he could calm right down and go to sleep.  This he did and then my daughter and I had to try to sleep ourselves.

The problem with cyber-bullying is - it comes home with you and enters your most private spaces.  Anyone can come up with the answer "Well, turn it off!" but there is a part of me that rages against this idea as well because I ask "Why should he?".  And, if I can make an analogy here, it's similar in my mind to saying to women, "Well, just stay off the streets at night if you don't want to get raped!"  Yeah - give in to the bullies and the rapists and all will be fine.

So anyway, the whole family stayed home from school and work the next day to love and support our boy.  He was embarrassed in the morning and explained that he'd over-reacted.  And I am hoping that was the case.  But a threat of self-harm has to be taken seriously even if it seems a bit over the top.  Every day I read on the face book page "Stop Teenage Suicide" a list of teens who have killed themselves - and it doesn't matter if a kid is gay or not, most of the bullying and harassment is homophobic in its origin.

But know this:  if you love your child, you must take these matters very seriously.  Most of all just be there with no judgement and lots of courage to stand up for them.  No. Matter. What.

Our kids don't need their problems swept under the carpet or trivialised.  And we as their protectors must not let these little bastards get away with this harassment.  Whether you phone the school and report them, as I did, or contact the police or their parents (if you know them), do it fast and gather as much printed evidence as you can. And flag them to face book so they also have a record.

Whatever you do, don't underestimate the reality of teenage suicide and don't underestimate the depth of your child's feelings - both anger and terror.

Love them through all of it - and watch them like a hawk (just don't let them know you are doing it).